Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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