Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
pop tarts are not kleenex
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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