Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
