I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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