This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
