seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
