it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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