So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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