i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
