i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
