3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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