just come out here and I will go home with you...
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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