Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
