Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
