Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
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So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
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Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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