Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
