i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
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