well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
