I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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