I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
