so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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