I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
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