I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Randomize
