I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
