dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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