I accidentally burped into my bong.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
