got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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