Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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