Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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