I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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