It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
