he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
