Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
