I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
