I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
