I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
