I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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