So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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