i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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