there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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