I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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