At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize