Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
