You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
