Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
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