Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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