My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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