Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
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Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
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So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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