I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
