I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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