Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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