Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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