I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
