She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
