One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
