From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
